Some Things Nobody Knows.

Over and over during the day, I think about Nolan. I think about Ashlee & Collin & how everything at this exact moment came to be. There is so much that most people don't know about. For example, a lot of people don't know that Ashlee & Collin were the only couple I contacted to be the adoptive parents of Nolan. I looked through hundreds of profiles in one night, found them and was positive that if I were to choose adoption, they were the ones I wanted to raise my child.
Not a lot of people know the pain you feel everytime you read about your child that you yourself don't have in your arms. To see 4 month old pictures and feel that pain all over again isn't the best feeling in the world, tell you me. I feel that everyday of my life. What it takes to not break down in tears everytime someone asks about your son, is incredible strength. To read blogs and e-mails in front of family, friends, my boyfriend...and to not start crying is so hard. I am so grateful and lucky to have such an amazing support system behind me to keep me going through the days.
Not a lot of people know that Nolan & adoption are the best things to ever happen to me. While I was pregnant, I was struggling to figure out how I was going to do this whole 'Mom' thing on my own. Where I was going to live and work. How I was going to support and provide for my child. I know there are many women that have done single motherhood from earlier ages than 19, but I guess that just wasn't in the cards for me. Halfway through being pregnant, I decided on adoption. From that moment on, I made some other major decisions in my life that have helped me already. It made me realize I needed to get a job, I needed to get into school, I needed to focus on my future and figure out things for myself before I include another person in the equation.
Nolan is doing fantastic. He is growing oh so big, and still looks just like mommy. 8 lbs 2 oz, 26 in long. Big baby :)
I, myself, am doing fantastic. Halfway done with school. Working full-time, which is gonna end soon. Gonna get a job that I like better than the one I have now, and focus on school more.  I got out of the bad enviroment I was living in, and I'm into a better one now. I am so thankful for the people I have in my life. They helped make me who I am today. A strong, beautiful, independent, stubborn, 20 year old. And for this girl, it's bed time :)

Emotional Much, Makenzie?

What is simplicity anymore? Seems like it no longer exists. Living life simple, too good to be true. Everyone in this world these days is all about drama, gossip and what's going on with everyone else. Is every single person on this planet so miserable or bored with their lives that they need to talk about other people's business? Obviously. And I'm sure as hell sick of it. I'm sick of the 'He said, she said' crap. Sure, I can't say I have never gossiped about people. It's something that I really need to work on. I'm not going to be a hipocrit and say I haven't. Gossip is an addiction. You feel bad about yourself so you talk bad about someone else to try to make you feel better about yourself. Been there, done that. Many a time. The more you do it, the more it becomes a habit. Something you have to work on quitting, just like smoking or drinking. It's deadly. It drives some people to suicide, or it may just cause the death of a good friendship or relationship. Either way it is not good, one bit. 

But on the positive side, the past few weeks have been fantastic. All 6 of the roommates are getting along, thank heavens. I started school monday, and thanks to my parents, my tuition is paid. I'm working full time, and I have some pretty fantastic people in my life. CNA class is only like 6 weeks, then I'll be making a little bit more money to help out with my 'broke college student' situation I'm in haha. The only credit class I'm taking is Espanol, and I'm so lucky to have a father who is fluent, that way he can help me! Yeah, I'm pretty dang lucky. When it comes to dating, all I gotta say is you never want a boy, only a man. Work is kicking my butt pretty hard. Well more like work, school, and life all just kicks my butt combined. Schedule for most days...
CNA Class 7 am - 11 am
Spanish 11 am- Noon
Work 2 pm - 10 pm
then when clinicals start...
Clinicals 6 am - 2 pm
Work 2 pm - 10 pm
16 HOUR DAYS...I'm not even kidding you.

Lately, it's been kinda hard to see pictures of Nolan. I'm not exactly sure why. But I see his 3 month old pics and I just break into tears. I knew it was going to be hard, but dang. I can show everyone I'm around his pictures, I can talk about everything to anyone, I can act like I'm happy and not hurting inside..but once I'm alone or RaNai calls to tell me she almost started crying when she saw the pics of 'Her Little Man', I can't seem to stop crying. It's so hard to put a facade on 24/7, but I hate feeling like I'm weak. I don't know if my emotional side is coming out more where I'm getting less and less sleep, or what's going on. I still, to this day, know I made the right decision about placing Nolan, but there will always be a piece of my heart that is missing, or more like just not here with me like I wish it could be. I mean pictures are nice, skype is awesome, but I just wish I could be holding him in person and kissing him all over and seeing him smile at ME. But that won't happen in who knows how long. I just think of how nice it would be to have him laying by me in bed, being able to hold him whenever I would like, experiencing all the little things he learns daily. But I won't be able to experience that until I have another of my own that I can raise. And as much as I would like it to be now, it won't happen for a long while...few years at least.

live it up like it's the weekend (:

Dear Courtney;

I love you. However, I apologize for writing 5 days late. But at least I'm writing...right? 

So people, can you guess who is going to be crashing at about 10:15 p.m tonight?

Yeah, if you guessed me, you're correct. It is 8:31 am and I've already drank 16 oz of my breakfast. I shall have enough energy to get through the day and through work, then I will walk inside my door and good luck waking me up. Well...unless this certain person comes over, then I won't be going to sleep. 

OH! Dear men; 

I don't think very highly of the majority of you. 

Two main reasons...

1. You tell me how you will never hurt me because I don't deserve to be hurt anymore than I already have been hurt in my life. Then what do you do? 'Well, yeah, I kissed her last night...and I've been hanging out with this other girl the past few nights too.' 

2. I like having you as friends. Nothing is wrong with JUST FRIENDS. So, when we're talking about how my life is going and how my job is working out and I say good and I bring up how I have feelings for [Billy Bob], you say 'Oh that's cool" then five minutes later, you're trying to get me to hook up with you. Yeah, good luck jerk! Listen next time!

And when those things happen with men...thank heavens to betsy for BEST FRIENDS! :)

Other than that, my life's been pretty fantastic. I now don't base my happiness on what happens with my love life. I've learned to just be happy no matter what guys do to me...I just had to vent. Work is going FANTASTIC [there is a male reason for this, along with the fact that my best friend works with me], minus the huge blister I have on my right pinkie toe. Scratch that. There's TWO blisters on that toe. :( I'm pretty proud of myself, my room has stayed clean for four days straight. Pretty dang good for me. Ask my mom...or grandma...or even Ashlee. It's usually a train wreck and an earthquake combined. I do need to do laundry though. My family is soon moving about 15 minutes away from me. Like this weekend. It will be nice to have my mom right here close to me instead of 45 minutes away. 

Adoption story continued. 

I was in labor for about 7 hours. Then Nolan Blake Smith was born at 2:19 p.m on May 21, 2011. Mommy's little angel, that boy is. As well as the apple of Ashlee & Collin's eyes. And the most adorable little baby I've ever seen in my entire life, but that cause he looks just like me. :) The hardest parts of the whole adoption process after the labor part was saying goodbye to my son when I got discharged from the hospital. Collin brought me Nolan's hospital bands that said "Baby Bronson" on them, and I broke down in tears. Then Ash came and gave me a hug and I was bawling. I wanted to say bye to Nolan, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. In some sort of way, I felt at the time, as a failure as a mother. I could not say goodbye to the son I had just given birth to. So with the help of my dear, sweet, loving best friend who didn't leave my side once for about 36 hours, and my awesome grandma's help, I got out of the hospital in one piece.

I don't think I could ever thank RaNai enough for everything she did those two days. She kept me sane. Kept me preoccupied so I wasn't focusing on the negative, and kept me focused on the positive of it all. Also, without my mother or grandparents, I wouldn't have been able to do any of that. They supported me through every decision I made, no matter what it was. And to every single friend, there are too many of you to name all of you, I will forever appreciate you visiting me in the hospital, and all your love and support through those days and in the past 7 weeks and for the time to come. 

The other hardest part of this was actually signing those stupid, depressing papers that officially and legally make Nolan not my son. He may be my blood, but I have no physical power to ever take back those signatures. Not that I would, but I did, for about 5 minutes, contemplate on not signing those papers. I sat in the court room and bawled for I don't know how long, deciding if I really wanted to give them the power to take my son from me. But I knew it had to be done. It was for both of our best interests. So I signed them. And went home to cry. Wait, me, mom and dad went to DQ and got food first. Then I went home to cry. 

Since then, I'm so glad I signed those papers. I see pictures every Sunday without fail, thanks to Ash the Bash. I love that woman to death. She will forever be my sister. And I will forever be her miracle. 

in the blink of an eye.

May  not be as long as I'd like to have this, I'm in the middle of packing. I just figured I'd blog a little about this past month. What I meant about everything being so different when I got back was I came home to find out my parents were trying to sell their house, which soon after that they sold it. I was soon going to be moving into my own apartment and starting the next chapter of life. I just had to start getting stuff ready...and I move tomorrow and I have one box packed. Oops! 

Nothing really happened the first few weeks of May, just waited and waited for my due date to roll around. Finally, around Thursday the 19th, I was in so much pain I thought I was going into labor, but after a little while of relaxing, it all went away. So I didn't worry about it much. Friday night, I had gone on a date and was home around midnight. I couldn't sleep at all, but finally around 2 am, I fell asleep. Only to wake up to excruciating contractions at 4 am. I walked around my basement and tried to wait as long as possible before I woke my grandparents up. Around 6:30 am, I went upstairs, told my grandma it was time to go and I was at the hospital 8 minutes later.  

arizona.

The six weeks that I was down in Arizona for, went by way too fast. There were so many things that happened all at once, it was hard to keep track of it all. From meeting both sides of Ashlee & Collin's families, to going to a D'backs baseball game, it was quite the amazing adventure to add to my life.
Both sides of the family are so stinking amazing! And they welcomed me with open arms and open homes. They all considered me as just part of the family from the get go, and I could not have been happier. I met brothers and sister, nieces and nephews...I was kinda-sorta in a way, Aunt Makenzie. We had family BBQ's, played random dance games, cooked many dinners, visited Grandpa Tom, and got to know everyone quite well.
We went shopping at the biggest mall I've ever seen, watched PrisonBreak until midnight almost every night (I think I'm in love with Michael Scofield), I went to class with Ash, we had friends over, and most importantly, me and Ashlee RAPPED a country song. The night that happened, was probably the funniest night of my life.
We took trips to go see her family, I took a trip to go see some of my family. We did lots of cleaning and lots of laughing. We made many unforgettable memories, and I know I will never forget anything that we did down there.
We had lots to figure out and organize for when baby boy comes. We had to get Ash's recital ready. I had to figure out how i was going to get home, but all in all, everything got done perfectly and right on time. My mom, grandma and sister drove to Arizona on the Thursday & Friday before Easter. We went shopping, ate at Red Lobster, and went to a baby shower for Ashlee then to her recital. We sadly had to leave Easter morning so we could get home in time for work and school, and truth is, I had so many mixed feelings those few days. I almost wanted to tell my mom and grandma nevermind, so I could stay in Arizona. But I knew I couldn't have a baby without having them right by me. The night of the recital was the hardest. I couldn't stop crying. Everytime I'd look at Ashlee, I'd burst into tears. (Thank you family genes for giving me the extremely emotional one.)
The next day was the worst, leaving at 6:30 am, and not getting home until 1:30 am on Monday. The drive wouldn't have been that bad, had I not been pregnant. And since I've been home, things have changed dramatically.

Car rides, car rides, and more car rides!

(There is seriously, NOTHING like home...I just got here after a 15 hour car ride from Tempe...tell more later. This is just a little bit of something i wrote but didn't publish. Sorry it's not very much.)

They came up to Southern Idaho during Ashlee's spring break and met everyone. And I also met some of their family in a city kinda by where I live. We went and met them and had lunch, got facials and pedicures, and got to know each other some more. Let me tell you, M & J & the kids are AWESOME! I love them! 

We headed in the opposite direction the next day and went to Shoshone Falls: 

We went to the Twin Falls Temple Grounds:

then later that evening, we went to a birthday party for my brother and sister. We went bowling and had pizza and just had a great time. Afterwards, Ashlee, Collin and I went back to their hotel and went swimming, hung out and talked some more. (No matter how much me and Ashlee talk, we can always talk more!) We discussed more about how the adoption would happen, how long they would have to stay in Idaho after the birth before coming back to Arizona, and all the other normal stuff that we talked about. 

And the next day, March 16th 2011, Ashlee, Collin and I drove back to Arizona together. Yes, that's right, I came back here with them. 

Have a great Monday :)

The Little Things

I guess this information could be useful right about now, should have mentioned it earlier. The father of the baby, I call him the Sperm Donor, has not been involved at all. He has not tried to contact me, help me with anything, just didn't want anything to do with me. When I had told him I was pregnant, he gave me two choices; get an abortion or never talk to him again. Well I am anti-abortion, so of course I chose to never talk to him again. He obviously didn't care enough about the baby or me, so he shouldn't be involved. I am the only person signing the birth certificate, and I am a-ok with that. 

Right off the bat, we clicked. The first e-mail I received from Ash & Collin was pretty much telling me all the things we had in common, like a headband, we love 'The Notebook' & 'P.S. I Love You', and many others. I immediately thought this all was more than just a coincidence. We then exchanged contact information, hoping to hear from each other sooner rather than later. 

All of our e-mailing up till then had been done between 8 p.m and 3 a.m, showing we were all on very little sleep. Every e-mail contained more and more information about each other, our plans for the future, stuff about our families, and how this couldn't be timed any more perfectly. My due date was just two weeks after she graduates from college, and only a few months before they were moving to a different state. They asked questions about where I lived, about the pregnancy, about my life. I asked questions about where they lived, their lives, all that jazz. 

It was only a week or so later that we brought back up the subject of them possibly being the couple that I was going to place my son with. To me, it sounded more like I hadn't made it obvious enough that I had already chosen them. So, I told them that they were the couple I had chose and it has been the best decision of my life. I couldn't have picked a better couple to raise my baby, they are perfect. We e-mailed a little longer, I asked if Ashlee would like to be in the room when I have the baby, she said yes. We soon figured out when they were going to have a little vacation time to come up to Idaho to finally meet me, meet my family and see where I grew up. It was then that I realized that it was all of the little things that we had in common that was bringing us together. We could connect over all those things and form a friendship. Not the big things in life, just the little, everyday things in life that brought us together.